Boundaries, Inherent Self-Worth, Self Love

Chasing Problems

I’m often focused on what I want to correct in myself. What’s wrong with me? What could be better? There’s a lot of judgment in that. And of course problems are nearly endless. I’m good at finding what’s wrong.  

Jack Kornfield tells a story of a person meditating. At first the sound of a person’s breathing meditate snared them, interrupting their perfect meditation. Next it was a noisy radiator in the room that interrupted them. Each interruption, each problem blocking their mindfulness, they reported to their teacher. In the next meditation session the cars passing on the busy road outside the room were the problems. Having heard about each problem and now the passing cars the teacher asked; “Are the cars coming into the room to bother you, or are you going out to the road to be bothered by them? 

I’m suspicious the way I worry about my flaws and problems may be like that.  

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.
Boundaries, Inherent Self-Worth, Self Love, Songwriting

None of My Business

As I went food shopping, I was listening to Brené Brown’s podcast with Laverne Cox. They got to the rapid fire questions.   

Brené prompted Laverne with the question, “What is something other people often get wrong about you.” 

Laverne answered; “What other people say about me is none my business.” 

Those are good boundaries. We can’t control what other people say about us. So let them say what they want. Even as I type those words, I find a part of myself searching out clauses and caveats to amend it. It’s pretty scary to let go of my belief that I can nice my way into getting people to like and speak well of me, which is a bit manipulative. 

What it I were to try it out?  What is if I committed to the idea; “What other people say about me is none my business?” 

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.
Boundaries, Inherent Self-Worth, Self Love, Shame

Clever

I have a tumultuous relationship with being clever, or witty.

For a long time, the height of my aspirations was to be clever. The first problem with that is that cleverness isn’t fun if no one recognizes my cleverness. And if I need recognition, I’m not acting out of my self-worth. My self-with doesn’t need other’s approval.

Another problem, cleverness requires one-upmanship. I need be smarter than someone else, (the person judged by my cleverness).

There’s a chain of status my aspiring to be clever creates, and I’m not even at the top, but it usually requires I also put someone down.

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.
Boundaries, David Burns/CBT, Imperfection, Inherent Self-Worth, Self Love

Confusion Around Helping

When I see myself as a “helper” I’m likely to place a person I hope to partner with on a level below myself. This is obviously unequal. It leads to confusion and misunderstandings. One which is glaring will have already occurred: I think I am “better” than the person I’d like to help.  

A partnership of equals does not mean our resources and strengths will be the same, but if I fail to acknowledge the strengths of a partner then we both lose. It will likely cause subtle or even overt conflict.

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.